its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
