Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
