just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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