I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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