i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
