she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
