I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
