Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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