Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
