just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
