his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
