I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
