good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
