you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
