she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
