I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
