Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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