the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
