I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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