my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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