I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
