I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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