Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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