Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
