They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have post one night stand depression
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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