Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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