I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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