We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
