watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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