The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
