new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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