I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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