I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
