Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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