I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
