what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
