For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
