yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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