just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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