I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
