Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
