i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
