he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My vagina is officially offended.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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