I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
