Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
