bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
