We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
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