two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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