Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
