how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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