dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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