Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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