Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
