did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
