some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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