i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
