I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
