So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
