man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
