so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
